My Wonderland.

Lexi. Lesbian.Taken. 19. Oregon.

Fun Fact: I asked my girlfriend to Winter Formal our senior year via snapchat. I’m such a romantic babe…

My girlfriends niece started calling me Auntie Lexi and it makes my heart skip a beat. Ive always wanted to be the cool aunt. She’s precious. Today is her sixth birthday and I get to babysit her all by myself. 

I feel like everyone is tired of my emotional bullshit and like none of my friends are here for me and I can’t ask them or force them to be here for me, but no one understands or takes the time to just listen and realize how hard it is for me. I’m tired of people asking me how I’m holding up. Im not. I’m shit, I’m broken down, cried out, and basically an empty body going through the motions. I’m just tired of no one giving me the chance to explain WHY IM SO UNHAPPY or the not caring about how I feel.. uhg. Rant over- Sorry.

I’ve been staying up all night and most of the morning too, and then sleeping in all day until 4pm. Point being. Im depressed. and I don’t think I actually want to stop feeling depressed because i’d rather be depressed than to feel abandoned, alone, and unloved. 

Oh my GOD

My younger sister is pregnant. She’s turning 18 in a few weeks, but still. She never wanted kids or anything, she’s more of a party girl/ college student. and now she’s going to have my niece or nephew. Im so excited. It’s due the beginning of March. I am really jealous though, because I will never be able to call her like she did to me tonight and share with her that I’m pregnant too. It just isn’t in the books for my lesbian self. 

Why am I filled with this overwhelming sadness that I cannot shake?

Is this what it is to love? To constantly cry and be envious of your enemies affection? I have never hated the love given by others until you left me with no one to love but myself. But how can i love myself without you to teach me to love? I can’t shake this sadness, and I fear its overwhelming me. If this sadness is my love for you leaving me and being absorbed by the emptiness that is your space in my life, then i guess this sadness will be my substitute for you. 

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