My Wonderland.

Lexi. Lesbian.Taken. 19. Oregon.

Some people get baby fever, or puppy fever, or kitty fever, or like cravings for pizza and chocolate. I get wedding fever. I JUST WANT TO PLAN ALL THE GOD DAMN WEDDINGS AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS TO SPEND ON WEDDINGS!!!!!! 

One time at like 3am I looked up into the sky and saw the milky-way and literally stood there for a good half hour crying because it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yet I have no desire to ever see it again because seeing something that beautiful more than once might take away from its beauty.

Hi. I just really miss my girlfriend.

I just want to hear from her again.. 

Hair cut! First one in two and a half years! Feeling sexy and free!

Rain

When I was 14 I knew a boy who had a really bad influence on my life. He used to come to my house in the middle of the night and tap on my window and it sounded like rain on my window… And ever since then I (haven’t seen or heard from him in like 5 years) get terrified of stormy nights when the wind blows the rain against my bedroom window… I absolutely cannot handle this anxiety right now.

I seriously can’t even make it through one night without crying. This is officially seven days straight..  It’s like clock work: the lights go out, the sun goes down, the moon is out, and I’m laying in bed, exhausted. AND THEN. I cry. I cry because of a number of reasons. I don’t want to live here anymore. But I don’t have anywhere else to go right now. I am terrified of falling so far behind in school that I fail. I cry because I have no one here who I can just vent to and cry on and talk about all this with. I am ashamed of feeling this way but oh god i don’t know how much longer I can take this loneliness. I miss Dalton so much.. I hate the fact that I don’t actually know when the next time I’m going to see her will be, that scares me the most… I know I’ll see her at Thanksgiving, and Christmas.. Is that what my life is now? Seeing my girlfriend once maybe twice a year? I need to be hugged… I haven’t been hugged since Dalton left… I just need someone to fucking listen and not be a sarcastic fuck who doesn’t understand that the love of my fucking life is fucking gone for the next four+ fucking years. I just want to go back to last week, when Dalton was here and I could fall asleep every night not alone and not crying. I fucking miss her so fucking much. I can’t continue to live in this state of being, somethings gotta give. I need to improve my life for me. 

FML

Well after only nine days my girlfriend set off on another plane to North Carolina to continue her training for the Marine Corps. I just can’t wait until all the training is over and she and I can finally settle down somewhere together. I love her so much and am so proud of her but this coming and going and never staying for too long is gonna get real old real fast. She’s my person though so I’m gonna endure this BS until I can be happily married with my adoptive children on some Marine Base. 

On another note, I hope my girlfriend proposes…

WOW

So after three months my Marine girlfriend is finally home! yay! I’m so happy, I just wish that her family (mother) was more welcoming to me because she’s ruining the only time I have to spend with my girlfriend this next 10 days before she has to leave for the next stage of training ): I don’t understand how someone could hate their children’s significant other. Especially when said significant other has been nothing but caring, kind, and respectful to them. At least now I know i’ll never NEVER be good enough. I’m trying not to let it effect me but it is, and i’m trying not to show it but its hard when someone you actually thought was like family actually can’t stand you and deeply hates you. I hope I can make it these next 10 days without caring too much about it. 

Things To Do before Dalton Comes Home From Bootcamp

  1. Shave
  2. Clip my nails, all my nails.
  3. Make our bed for the first time in three months
  4. Clean our cat. (He’s to fat to get everywhere)
  5. Clean our entire room, A DEEP CLEAN
  6. Clean the entire house (again)
  7. Do a load of laundry
  8. Pack my bag to South Carolina, must do that MONDAY.
  9. Charge her laptop (for the first time in three months)
  10. Mentally and emotionally prepare myself to see my girlfriend for the first time in three months and as a US Marine, 
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